Respected journalist Wolf Blitzer was reported missing last week, say sources close to the Blitzer family.

Officials refuse to speculate on motive at the present time, and have offered no list of suspects. However, witnesses in the area of Mr. Blitzer's dressing room at the time of the abduction claim to have seen several intoxicated people wearing Byrne's Pub t-shirts slapping each other on the back and saying "We got the (expletive)!"

Additionally, rumours have recently surfaced that Mr. Blitzer recently turned down an offer to host a web-based news forum for BNN, the Byrne's News Network.

In completely unrelated news, residents of Grandview, Ohio have recently complained about hearing "loud thumping and screaming noises" in the vicinity of the Byrne's Pub parking lot. "It sounds like a middle-aged male screaming for mercy from inside the trunk of a car" said a man name Plumber Dude who asked to remain anonymous.

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