If you don't have a sense of humour you might want to skip this particular astrological assessment. The ability to laugh at yourself (and your loved ones) is kind of important here...!

The truth is, here at Byrne's Pub we're all beautiful! Especially at closing time. In the dim lights. With the help of a few drinks...

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Capricorn: Remember that classic line "Jesus loves you, everyone else thinks you're an asshole"? Think about it.

Pisces: Money can buy happiness! Didn't it buy you $50 worth of "love" the other night?

Aquarius: The "dawning of the age of" is over. Please go away now, hippie-freak.

Aries: The high-point of your life was having a K-car named after you. How depressing is that???

Taurus: Taurus-the-Bull-shit-artist. You da man!

Gemini: They say the sign of the twins is the sign of your "dual nature". Yeah, most serial killers have that.

Cancer: I'm reminded of a sign in a Key West bathroom: "No use in standing on the seat / The crabs in here can jump six feet". Make of it what you will.

Leo: Leo the Lion. Or is that "lyin'..."? Buy the bar a round for every time you've said "I'll call you" or "Of course I'll respect you in the morning!"

Virgo: You're a virgin like I'm the pope. Didn't I see you get $50 from a Pisces recently...?

Libra: How ironic that Libra is the sign of the scales. You are the most unbalanced person I know.

Scorpio: Scorpions are just overgrown, venemous cockroaches, aren't they? Not that we're implying anything...

Sagittarius: Last but definitely least. That's you, Sagittarius! Quit whining and buy us some drinks - maybe we'll let you hang out with us.

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